


We'll get through this, I swear

by Skylar102



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Crying, Crying Alec Lightwood, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I wanted to see Alec cry so this is that fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Scars, my boys love each other so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-22 10:22:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22581304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar102/pseuds/Skylar102
Summary: All these miles I've walkedAll these stumbles and fallsThey led me straight to your armsAlec struggles with the scar on his chest
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 15
Kudos: 185





	We'll get through this, I swear

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a really crappy year so far and I needed to write something sad so here's this I guess
> 
> And yes I listened to Bridges on repeat while writing this.

_Can’t protect those you love_

_Not strong enough_

_Your fault_

The ugly scar on his chest stares at him in the bathroom mirror. A constant reminder of his failure to save his parabatai. Jace won’t even look him in the eyes anymore. Doesn’t want to train with him, afraid that he’ll mess up. He remembers the look on Jace’s face the moment he laid eyes on the scar when he took off his shirt during their training session. Jace suddenly said he was tired and wanted to call an end to the session. If only he had been enough to bring his brother back. He thought he would be enough to save Jace, but in the end all he did was push Jace even further away from him.

_Bad brother_

_Bad parabatai_

Alec touches the scar, hating the way it feels, the way it looks on his chest. He remembers the moment the arrow began its slow descent into his chest. Magnus screaming his name hits him like a wave crashing to the shore. He remembers his boyfriend rushing to his side to hold his hand. The look of fear on Magnus’ face as he hovered over his broken body will forever be burned into his brain. He knew he was dying but nothing hurt more then when Magnus said he gave up his magic to save his parabatai. He would never have asked Magnus to do that, to go that far for him.

_Bad boyfriend_

_Failure_

_Failure_

_Failure_

There’s a knock on the bathroom door, snapping him out of his thoughts. He glances at his phone and sees that quite some time has passed.

“Alexander? Everything okay in there?” A muffled voice asks. Alec rushes to pull a shirt over his head. One last look in the mirror making sure he looks composed, he puts a smile on his face and opens the bathroom door to reveal a concerned Magnus. His boyfriend’s eyes rake over his body, looking for anything out of place. “You were in there for a while, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is good. Just getting ready for bed.” He reassures, brushing past Magnus and walks towards his side of the bed when Magnus speaks up again.

“You can talk to me you know.” Alec pauses at the end of the bed, feeling himself begin to tense up. “I know something is wrong. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me.” His hands clench where they hang by his sides. He takes a moment to breath before answering. 

“I do talk to you, Magnus. I told you I’m fine.”

“Then why do you keep wearing shirts to bed?” Alec looks down at the shirt he’s currently wearing. He doesn’t remember putting it on. 

_Oh_

“I-I didn’t- I don’t-” he stutters out. Had he been wearing shirts to bed? He hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it until now. 

_Messed up_

_Can’t do anything right_

_Wrong_

_Wrong_

_Wrong_

Lost in his thoughts, he jumps at the hand that grabs his shoulder. 

“Alexander,” Magnus says softly. The hand on his shoulder makes its way up to his face; he leans into the touch. “You’ve been staying out late, you’ve been coming to bed even later, and you’ve been staying to your side of the bed. Darling, you don’t even want to cuddle anymore. Have I done something wrong?” 

“No!” Alec’s eyes widened at the question. “No, you’ve been great. Magnus you’ve been incredible these past few days.”

“Then why are you pushing me away?” Magnus’ other hand rises to rest on his heart, right on top of the scar. Alec fails to hold back a flinch and Magnus freezes his movement. “Is your scar bothering you? Catarina said it would take some time for it to heal fully. I knew it was too early for you to be heading back to work. I’m going to call her over and have her take a look at it.” Magnus steps away to look around for his phone when Alec grabs onto his wrist.

“Magnus stop,” Alec quietly spoke. Magnus turns to look at him, the concern on his face is too much that he casts his eyes to the floor. “It’s not hurting, I promise. The ointment that Cat gave me is helping it heal just fine.”

Magnus steps in front of him again lacing their hands together. The gesture is so gentle and soft; he doesn’t deserve the comfort. He feels moisture begin to collect in the corner of his eyes. 

“Alexander, please talk to me,” Magnus begs gently. “I know things have been flipped on its head since Lilith, but I want to be here for you. Just like you’ve been here for me. With the loss of my magic, you have been by my side through my worst moments. Now let me do the same for you, for whatever is going on inside that head of yours.” 

_Not worthy_

_Not worthy_

_Not worthy_

“How can you not hate me?” he croaks out. He tilts his head up to look at Magnus. The tears he had been trying desperately to hold in began to fall. “How can you stand there and not hate me for what I did to you, for what I made you do?”

“Alexander, I don’t understand,” Magnus brings his hands up to wipe away his tears. He’s looking at him with such concern Alec has to close his eyes.

The hands on his face are so gentle. He wants nothing more than to fall into Magnus’ arms and forget everything that hurts. “You’ve lost your magic because of me. How can you even stand in the same room as me?” 

“Oh darling, I don’t blame you. Losing my magic is not your fault,” reassures Magnus, his thumbs brush away the tears that won’t stop falling. “I knew what I was getting into when I made that deal with my father. It was my decision to do it.”

“You wouldn’t have been in that position if I didn’t put you in it in the first place.” He opens his eyes to stare into Magnus’ eyes. He can’t hide from Magnus, not about this. Magnus deserves the truth. “If I wasn’t so selfish in wanting my parabatai back, you would have never gone to your father. You wouldn’t have made that deal.”

He’s played the events leading up to Lilith’s defeat over and over in his head. All the things he did wrong, the things he could have done better. If he was a better leader, it wouldn’t have led to the events that occurred. Hell, if he was a better boyfriend, Magnus wouldn’t be in front of him, magicless looking like his world is crumbling around him.

“You’re right,” Magnus says causing him to step back but the grip on his face wouldn’t let him go. “I did go to Edom to help you, but I also chose to go to Edom to save you. I didn’t just do it to save Jace. I have seen in the past what losing a parabatai does to a shadowhunter. How hollow and empty they become after they lose the other half of their soul. I couldn’t let that happen to you. What my father asked of me was cruel and he knew exactly what he was doing when he asked that of me. 

“I haven’t been the best in dealing with it and there are still some days where it is tough, but _you_ are the reason I have been able to get through these days. You have been so patient and kind to me Alexander.” The smile on Magnus’ face is nothing but love. “You have stayed by my side letting me know that I am still the man you fell in love with magic or not. Every day you show me with actions and words how loved I am and I hope I do the same for you.”

“You do, Magnus. Of course you do,” Alec whispers, closing his eyes in attempt to stop the tears. Magnus’ hands wipe at his cheeks once more before they let go of his face and trail down his shoulders to his arms and land on his hands.

“Why don’t we lay down in bed and finish talking about this, hm?” Magnus suggests, already tugging at his hands and moving towards the bed. Magnus pulls back the sheets and begins to sit down on the bed, not letting go of his hand as he tugs Alec down as well. With a huff Alec follows the pull and ends up on top of Magnus. He attempts to get up and move to his side of the bed, but two strong arms wrap around his back keeping him pinned. He feels a hand in his hair and the soothing gesture has him relaxing into the embrace.

“Relax, darling.”

They lay there in silence with the occasional sniff and huff from Alec and he tries to get a hold of his emotions. The room is quiet, save for the sounds of Brooklyn outside. Alec feels himself melting in Magnus’ arms. He forgot how nice it is to be held. He’s usually the one to do the holding, it’s nice to be the one to receive it. 

After a couple of minutes, Magnus quietly speaks up. “Do you want to talk about where this all came from?”

“I hate it,” he confesses, nuzzling more into Magnus’ neck. “I hate that I have this constant reminder on my chest of my failure to save my parabatai. Jace won’t even train with me if I take my shirt off.” He clutches at Magnus’ shirt like it’s a lifeline. “Even though you saved him from the Owl, it feels like he’s even farther away now. He’s standing right in front of me but he’s still out of reach.

Then the first time we went to bed after I got the bandages off, you looked like you were dying at the sight of it. I never want to cause you any kind of pain. So I guess without realizing it I started to cover up, hid it because I couldn’t bear the pain on your face when you looked at it.” 

“Oh, Alexander.” The arms wrapped around him squeeze tighter. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Alec shakes his head, and begins to sit up to say it wasn’t his fault but Magnus shushes him and pulls him back down.  
  
“You don’t have to say anything.” Magnus continues to stroke his hand up and down his back. “I guess I never really dealt with the reality that I almost lost you that night until I saw the scar myself. I should have said something then, I didn’t realize how my reaction would affect you.”

“It’s not like I said anything either,” he huffed. 

“It doesn’t matter. We should have talked about it before we got here.” Magnus’ hand on his back stops it ministrations to grab his hand that’s still holding onto Magnus’ shirt. With a gentle touch, he watches Magnus lace their fingers together. “From now on, I want you to tell me if things get bad again.”

“I will,” he promises. His eyes never leave their hands, staring at Magnus’ ringless left hand, thinking about only one ring he would want nothing more to see there.

“I love you Magnus,” he mumbles in a hushed tone. “I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you.”

“I love you too,” Magnus whispers back. The hand in his hair continues to stroke his head “Sleep darling. I’ll be right here.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Skylar10211)
> 
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> 
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